Republican Presidential Candidates want to be friends with you:
John McCain - This guy has the temerity to believe in the Geneva Convention. He's so done.
Mitt Romney - His first name is Willard which is lame. His second name is Mitt which is lamer. We're not sure what exactly makes him a Republican other than the fact that he's Mormon.
Rudy Giuliani - He happened to be in New York during 9/11. This is very important. He likes abortion but he doesn't. He likes fiscal conservatism but he doesn't. He's a moral man and believes in the sanctity of marriage but clearly doesn't. He's everyone's candidate. If you have a position, he's held it. Like doggy style.
Mike Huckabee - He's golden right now. You know why? He likes god and hates brown people.
Fred Thompson - this space left intentionally blank
Ron Paul - If you took acid and listened to one of his speeches, you would die. Really. He believes in the gold standard.
Tom Tancredo - This dude hates brown people. Like way.
Democratic Presidential Candidates want to have a good time:
Hillary Clinton - Her husband was President before Bush which means he can help her with all the stuff that's too hard for women to do on their own.
Barak Obama - He's wanted to be President since he was in kindergarten which is bad according to Hillary. Oprah likes him. Fucking Oprah.
John Edwards - Whatevs whatevs haircut whatevs whatevs trial lawyer whatevs whatevs southern. Boring.
Bill Richardson - He's really just in it to be VP.
Joe Biden - He was born in Scranton, PA which is where The Office takes place. And that's what's interesting about him.
Dennis Kucinich - Insert mandatory joke about UFOs and his hot wife.
Here's what you get if you work together:
Fred Thompson - this space left intentionally blank
Ron Paul - If you took acid and listened to one of his speeches, you would die. Really. He believes in the gold standard.
Tom Tancredo - This dude hates brown people. Like way.
Democratic Presidential Candidates want to have a good time:
Hillary Clinton - Her husband was President before Bush which means he can help her with all the stuff that's too hard for women to do on their own.
Barak Obama - He's wanted to be President since he was in kindergarten which is bad according to Hillary. Oprah likes him. Fucking Oprah.
John Edwards - Whatevs whatevs haircut whatevs whatevs trial lawyer whatevs whatevs southern. Boring.
Bill Richardson - He's really just in it to be VP.
Joe Biden - He was born in Scranton, PA which is where The Office takes place. And that's what's interesting about him.
Dennis Kucinich - Insert mandatory joke about UFOs and his hot wife.
Here's what you get if you work together:
Here's what you get when you have a good time together:
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