I Want Mine

Dear Santa,

Thank you for buying me a used Wii off of eBay with four games and a controller. I know it was hard to find given all the Wiis on eBay.

Thank you, Kristen
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Dear Person Who Santa Bought My Wii From,

It's called a post office. Go there with my Wii and fucking mail it. Now.

Thank you, Kristen
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Dear Nintendo, You have a fundamental supply/demand problem with your Wii (I know a lot of boys have that problem too). If it weren't sold out from now to eternity, I could buy a Wii for $249.99. Prior to Christmas, one could only get a Wii on eBay for $400 to $450. Here's what's going on:

Makin me feel dum

Let's be honest: no one actually reads Pitchfork except people who write for Pitchfork (and UVA graduates). I like Pitchfork cause they listen to a whole hell of a lot more music than I do and they boil things down to simple numbers that assist me in making my music purchases. But really, why they gotta write such esoteric prose? I doubt I'm the only music fan who wasn't an english major.

Aside: Blogs are fun cause even if no one reads them you can be way funnier than in a diary. like way. who's fucked up dairy sounds like this post? not my diary. my diary says: Dear diary, Today I went out with OOMA, and he laughed at my joke. In a blog you're all: Whatever motherfuckers everyone laughs at my jokes.

Ok, but let's briefly examine the impact of reading Pitchfork on the brain of a person who graduated from a polytechnic institute (me).

From this about Panda Bear's Person Pitch: "When it came out this spring, Person Pitch seemed like a soundtrack to the thaw. Coming two-and-a-half years after Young Prayer, Panda Bear (Noah Lennox)'s spare and quietly devastating predecessor, the new album brought with it the vague expectation of that first warm breeze. [...] The music's oranges and reds and golds were perfect for the fall, and now that the days are short and the ground icy, Person Pitch sounds like something we'll be curling up with in hibernation. It remains a fixture. "

My brain (doctors are currently looking into the presence of all those numbers on my brain):

My brain on pitchfork:

Do you know what that paragraph is saying? The writer is basically saying that he's liked the fucking album all year. He liked it in the spring. He still likes it in the winter. Here's how I review Person Pitch: "It's fucking good. Go buy it. If you don't like it, you are stupid and have no taste."

Oh, and here's something else that is so upsetting:

At least Pitchfork has good taste. Ick. You can stream that shit online. Click Audio.

Why?

Why is there a boat store and repair center here?


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Favorite Albums of 2007

First a confession. I am not classy. Like at all. That part of the title is what those of us peering into the writing business call irony. Ask Alanis Morisette for clarifiaction. I am a bitch, but that's for later. What I also am is a COMPLETE DORK.

Enter complete dork...

Fuuuuuun

"We wanna be friends with you. Everyone wants to have a good time. We can do this if we work together. We can have a very good time together." BYOP

Republican Presidential Candidates want to be friends with you:

John McCain - This guy has the temerity to believe in the Geneva Convention. He's so done.

Mitt Romney - His first name is Willard which is lame. His second name is Mitt which is lamer. We're not sure what exactly makes him a Republican other than the fact that he's Mormon.

Rudy Giuliani - He happened to be in New York during 9/11. This is very important. He likes abortion but he doesn't. He likes fiscal conservatism but he doesn't. He's a moral man and believes in the sanctity of marriage but clearly doesn't. He's everyone's candidate. If you have a position, he's held it. Like doggy style.

Mike Huckabee - He's golden right now. You know why? He likes god and hates brown people.

Fred Thompson - this space left intentionally blank

Ron Paul - If you took acid and listened to one of his speeches, you would die. Really. He believes in the gold standard.

Tom Tancredo - This dude hates brown people. Like way.

Democratic Presidential Candidates want to have a good time:

Hillary Clinton - Her husband was President before Bush which means he can help her with all the stuff that's too hard for women to do on their own.

Barak Obama - He's wanted to be President since he was in kindergarten which is bad according to Hillary. Oprah likes him. Fucking Oprah.

John Edwards - Whatevs whatevs haircut whatevs whatevs trial lawyer whatevs whatevs southern. Boring.

Bill Richardson - He's really just in it to be VP.

Joe Biden - He was born in Scranton, PA which is where The Office takes place. And that's what's interesting about him.

Dennis Kucinich - Insert mandatory joke about UFOs and his hot wife.



Here's what you get if you work together:

Here's what you get when you have a good time together:

Bitch vs. Pussy

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time in a TXDOT meeting far far away, the Council of I-1o Wizards gathered to discuss the endless congestion faced by drivers on that road. After the introductory chant and opening ceremony, the Grand Poobah got up and said, "Fellow Wizards, we have a serious issue. Our humans are spending up to one hour at a time driving to and from downtown."

One wizard suggested hesitantly, "Perhaps they should have thought of that before moving to Katy?"

"SILENCE," shouted the Grand Poobah. "These humans need relief. These humans need help. These humans need a great Katy Freeway Expansion project."

The Council of I-10 Wizards was stunned. No wizard had ever dared to expand I-10 since the last expansion. This Grand Poobah was a grand one indeed.

In the great tradition of councils everywhere, the Grand Poobah set up a sub-team of wizards. That sub-team was tasked with creating a team charter, a list of goals, a timeline for achieving those goals and a communication plan for communicating the goals to the council at large. The sub-team was then required to regularly communicate its goals with wizard council, the Grand Poobah and the team sponsor who was required, by the wizard council's charter, to be a non-council member. This was all achieved in the reasonable time of 2 years.

After those two years, a sub-sub-team was created to develop the construction plan. They came up with this:

The Grand Poobah was not pleased. Neither was the council. Neither was the team sponsor. So, in the grand tradition of sub-sub teams, the charter was modified, the communication plan was retooled and a new leader was appointed. This leader was called the Grinch. The Grinch was a very unhappy man. He felt that working on this project was beneath him. He also felt that humans were lazy. He felt that they had been driving along in peace for far too long. Yes, they had to sit in traffic for hours on end, but that was better than flying a broom through the very cold night sky. This wizard felt that humans were going soft since the invention of fire. He had no sympathy for their plight. At the same time, he was a capable bureaucrat. Therefore, he came up with this plan:

Now, this plan has two advantages. 1) It achieves the goal of the sub-sub-team in alleviating traffic concerns 2) It does so in such a way that all humans that travel anywhere near it will suffer nervous breakdowns at the rate of 1 per week for the duration of the project which you say is only 3 years but will turn out to be the worst and longest 3 traffic years ever.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I live in the United States of America which is the most bestest and the coolest country in the world. America is probbly your favorite place cause we worship you the most and you bring us the best presents. Well, this letter isn’t for me Santa it’s for the President of my country. The President is the smartest man in the world and he has the hardest job cause people all don’t like him and he has to be nice to them anyway. And he has to make tough decisions like which bills to sign and pay. Anyway, today he found out that the people he thought were the bad guys are really not as bad as he told us all. The intelligent people wrote him a letter that said you can’t fight the people in Iran cause they don’t make big nucular weapons. Now my president has no one to fight with so what I want you please to do as well as bringing me a Xbox 360 and a Nintendo Wii and a new iPhone with unlimited texting so my mom doesn’t get mad at me when I text too much is bring my president someone to fight. Do you think that it would be ok if the president bombed the north pole? We could make sure that he misses all of you deer like Donnor and Blitzen and Comet and Cupid and Rudolph and he will miss your mommy and your elfs. Or maybe you could give him an island from Dubai that he could bomb. He gets so sad with no games to play.

Thank you,

Hizzo