Avril - Teh Suck

Last night, while in the comfort of my own living room, I made the huge mistake of switching to MTV Hits. The first thing we must address: why would a classy bitch go to MTV Hits? Because there are only so many times you can watch the same LSU touchdown during football highlights before you wonder: DIDN'T ANYTHING ELSE HAPPEN THIS SATURDAY? CAN'T YOU MAKE FUN OF NOTRE DAME FOR BEATING DUKE? So yeah, a litte insanity causes bad decisions.

Bad decisions. During my brief, ill advised visit to MTV Hits, I was treated to Avril Lavigne's latest suckfest, "Hot." This song, off her latest epistle Best Damn Thing, is so clever that one can hardly process it.

First let's talk about the video. It starts with our dear heroine getting out of a limo in a bad wig. The heroine then blows kisses at all of her adorable fans who are screaming and yelling. This is an innovative concept for a video, and I'm surprised our little girl was willing to risk making such a statement. The dramatic juxtaposition of Avril herself, who presumably endures such lines of fans in her actual life (though not in a bad wig) playing a character who is forced to endure such drama is quite startling. It's as if you, the viewer, must think about the hall of mirrors her life has become. How does one, once entering such a hall, find one's way out? Glad you asked.

By performing in a bustier. See, the real Avril, identified by the streak of pink in her hair, (a statement of rebellion and happiness so lacking in the hall of mirrors Avril), bravely goes where no Avril has gone before and performs in a small night club, on a stage, in front of adoring fans and lip synchs in a green bustier. Why? For dramatic irony fools.

Unfortunately, the whole two Avril concept is not really allowed to play itself out, and we are left feeling like the whole situation was set up just so we could laugh at the wig. But maybe that's just me. Or that the whole situation was was set up cause they needed 30 seconds of video and there's only so much green bustier and pink hair we can stand before we wonder if we are just meant to gawk at her punk ass legs.

Now to the real crime perpetrated on millions of pre-adolescent girls by this song: the lyrics. Viola le chorus:

You make me so hot.

Make me wanna drop.

It's so ridiculous.

I can barely stop.

I can hardly breathe.

You make me wanna scream.

You're so fabulous.

You're so good to me baby, baby.

You're so good to me baby, baby.

First I must point out that this song and the rest of the disc was, in fact, written by Avril and SOMEONE ELSE. It took two people to come up with this. I'm not surprised: the rhyming of "hot", "drop" and "ridiculous" is so raw, so daring, so modern that one person can hardly been expected to come up with it.

What one wonders by the third line is what exactly is ridiculous? Is it the desire to drop, in and of itself that is ridiculous? Or the rendering of ones temperature to a higher level by a single person? Perhaps the combination of both leaves our singer baffled.

Then she tells us with stunning honestly that she can "barely stop." Which is, in and of itself, an interesting statement. We are left to guess which of the following she is attempting to stop: being hot, dropping or thinking this entire line of thought is ridiculous.

Her being unable to breathe is not surprising given all the dancing she's doing in a green bustier.

"You make me want to scream" One sympathizes.

Now, this next line is where things really take a strange turn. The entire chorus, to this point, has lead the listener to believe she is singing about a straight man with which she wants to have sexual intercourse. But then, she calls him "fabulous" which everyone knows is what you call women or gay men. Has Avril just come out of the closet? Is she calling her husband of less than one year gay? Or has she spent so long in the hall of mirrors that she doesn't realize you just don't call straight men you want to fuck fabulous?

In all, this stunningly bad song (which is, in the humble opinion of this writer, only slightly better than her song "Girlfriend" whose suckiness is below my sarcasm) reminds us all of why the music industry is going down the tubes.